Title: Ramblings of a Mad Scientist (or Season 3 Gag Reel Broke my Brain)
Rating: PG 13
Summary: a crackish study of JSquared
Word Count: 1,300
DIsclaimer: this is a fictional study written by a fictional character.
Feedback: is love.
A/N: I watched the gag reel and this is what happened.
Ramblings Of a Mad Scientist (Or Gag Reel 3 Broke My Brain)
Much has been debated on the One True Pairing. Does such a pairing exist, or is it a concept generated by overly romantic minds?
We at the OTP Institute hypothesize that the One True Pairing does exist. Since the turn of last century, we have researched historical and modern day literature to prove our hypothesis and silence the cynics once and for all. We applied scientific knowledge in determining the dynamics and behaviours that characterize the OTP, and although our global search for the definitive OTP yielded limited results, we persevered.
In mid 2005, one of our researchers stumbled upon the J-Squared Phenomenon - a phenomenal friendship between the actors Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. We have been interrogating this phenomenon using the above mentioned scientific approach and are excited to report that we may have found our OTP in J-Squared.
Jensen is distinguished by crew-cut hair, pleasing facial and physical features and a dusting of tiny pigmentation marks commonly known as freckles. His freckle pattern tells him apart from other freckled males, much in the same way that each individual leopard has a unique spot design. Incidentally, Jensen has attributed himself with feline qualities, claiming that he always lands on all fours like a cat. We have observed Jensen in motion and can confirm an extremely appealing fluidity to his stride.
Jared is distinguished by a tall frame, dark, shaggy hair, dimples, a facial mole and a ripped torso that so impressed us we dedicated a separate paper to its musculature. Jensen once described Jared as, “smokin’ hot!” Needless to say, we concur.
To the casual observer, Jared and Jensen are friends and co-stars who happen to hail from the same state. The Institute is not a casual observer. Our training equips us with immense powers of perception. By scrutinizing pictorial and video evidence, we perceived that Jensen and Jared exhibit a range of typical OTP behaviours.
An OTP couple tends to employ a series of touches to center one another and ensure that the spatial distance between them is kept to a minimum. This is referred to as Tactile Centering. J-Squared touching includes, but is by no means limited to chest rubbing, butt slapping, hugging, leg humping, twizzler-ing and eye-lash grooming. We ran images of them touching through a computer known as the Tactile Extrapolator, and the results show that it is torturous for these guys to not be in physical contact.
When an OTP couple is for some reason unable to be tactile, they resort to Visual Loadation, whereby they exchange glances that are loaded with raw, visceral communication. Jared and Jensen frequently use visual loadation, making it a mammoth task to list all their heated looks and glances.
Perhaps our most prized research material to date is recently acquired video footage, referred to here as Gag Reel 3 or GR3. Sent to our laboratory by an anonymous source, GR3 abounds with illustrations of J-Squared activating OTP dynamics. For instance Psuedo-Humour, which serves to entertain and tantalize the audience, while simultaneously conveying a depth of emotion between the pair.
In GR3, Jared (in Sam’s voice) says: “I love you.” He is joking…or is he? After the third “I love you,” we perceived this joke for what it is: Psuedo-Humour, a two-pronged vocal device Jared uses to convey one thing to us, and quite another to Jensen. The fact that the pair visual loaded (stared) and tactile centered (hugged) while psuedo-humouring, only persuades us that our perceptions are accurate.
Furthermore, Jensen reciprocates Jared’s humour. At one point he quickly follows up “I love you, too,” with “I miss your musk,” read: I’m pining for your musk. We were stunned by the OTP-ness of it all. It is a true fact that Musk Pining is a vital component of the OTP bond.
As with any couple, the OTP duo flirts to signal mutual attraction. Fluttering your eyelashes, making kissy sounds and/or faces, flicking your hair are examples of general flirting. Although we have observed J-Squared flirting time and again, our interest is in a sub-category of flirting known as Posterior Presentation.
General flirting says: I like you. Posterior Presentation says: I give to you my ass, now nail it. GR3 shows Jared presenting his posterior, not once but twice, on the second occasion actually positioning his rear scant inches from Jensen’s face. Jensen does not seem in any way averse to having his co-star’s pert bottom within nailing reach.
A step up from flirting is Symbolic Objectism, which we consider to be a precursor to foreplay. Symbolic Objectism is distinct OTP behaviour. It refers to the act of arousing a partner by means of playing with a seemingly non-erotic object that in fact provokes erotic ideation. I
n GR3, both Jared and Jensen initiate Symbolic Objectism. Jared holds up a thermos (tube-like object with a smooth feel and rounded head). He tenderly cradles it against the side of his face, giggling and employing visual loading tactics. He gets an immediate response from Jensen, who lets off a deep laugh, his face averted from the camera’s knowing eye.
A little further on, Jensen wraps his fist around a stake (an object designed for piercing, plunging, thrusting). He then slowly inserts the tip of the stake into his ear hole. Jared’s reaction to this is a primal “yesss,” long-drawn-out hiss uttered from between bared teeth and repeated for emphasis, “yess!” We urge you to view the footage for yourselves, but please proceed with care if you are susceptible to ovary combustion and fits of incoherency. The less hardy of our researches had to be rushed to the ER, unintelligible and sans ovaries after catching a glimpse of this lethal segment.
Having sought medical care for our wounded colleagues, we resumed analyzing GR3. In it we come across Jared and Jensen engaged in a Courtship Tango in the rain. They are soaked through, water-slicked, Jared subtly rocking his hips and Jensen being anything but subtle. His stance is wide open, arms spread out, legs splayed, and he belts out a rich and throaty Mating Call.
“You can do me in the morning,” he sings, a blatant invitation delivered in a gravelly, goose-bump causing voice that requires no clarification as to the act he is inviting.
Unmistakable Mating Call. Obvious selected mate in close proximity.
We wriggled to the very edges of our seats, slowed the reel down viewing it frame by frame so as not to miss the second Jensen’s call would be answered. None of us breathed, none of us blinked. We were frozen in euphoric anticipation, because at last, at long last we would witness the ultimate: Consummation of the OTP bond, and would thus have complete grounds for crowning J-Squared the all-time OTP.
Imagine our horror, our utter bafflement when Jensen’s call went unanswered. Jared did not do Jensen in the morning, or indeed in the rain. We could not understand it. We had established pseudo-humour, musk pining, posterior presentation and a plethora of other OTP dynamics. So why was no doing taking place? Why were we being so cruelly thwarted?
It would have been easy to make assumptions about the lamentable absence of consummation between our pair. But we are serious scientists. We do not conjecture.
We downloaded the reel into a sophisticated piece of hardware called the Match-Make Synthesizer. MMS has analytical and perceptive capabilities even more immense than our own, combined. The following is an excerpt of our electronic interview with the infallible machine.
Researcher: you are the Match-Make Synthesizer Series IV.
Researcher: you sometimes make computing errors.
Researcher: you are knowledgeable on all things pertaining to pairings.
Researcher: Jensen and Jared are the OTP.
MMS: \o/ \o/ \o/ <3333333 squeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
Researcher: please try to contain yourself.
Researcher: since J-Squared = OTP, they will soon do it, preferably morning, noon and night.
MMS: the Nile.
There you have it, dear friends. Our pair is in denial. Denial is why they did not shimmy out of those clinging denims and get some doing done. Denial is why we shiver unfulfilled on the precipice of a break-through. Yet still, we gain a small measure of comfort in the knowledge that J-Squared is the OTP in all but deed.